Appointments

There’s this song by Julien Baker that I listened to on repeat all throughout 2018. It’s called “Appointments” and it came on one of my Spotify playlists last year. I was instantly hooked by the simple but layered song. When Julien Baker came into town to the Anthem last summer, I was in the front row. Her voice is ethereal yet powerful, especially toward the end of the song.

Maybe it’s all gonna turn out all right, And I know that it’s not, but I have to believe that it is.

I got her album, “Turn Out The Lights” on vinyl at the show and I haven’t gotten tired of listening to it yet. Then I found this version on YouTube of her singing “Appointments” that melts into “Fake Empire” by the National. Two of my favorite bands, merging together two of my favorite songs. Love.

I’ve been going to see my psychiatrist on a regular basis for the last 15 years. I go every five or six weeks, sometimes more often depending on how I’m feeling. “Appointments” references going to a doctor or therapist to help her get better. I think that’s why I’m so drawn to the pain of this song because I know what it’s like to struggle. I’ve had the highest highs and the lowest lows. Most of the time things are just pretty flat. Stable. This stability is largely due to medication, getting plenty of sleep, and regular exercise. I’ve made the choice to keep things level, even though the mania is much more appealing at times. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost that spark, but I also know what it’s like to be burned by my own fire. Music is one of those things that keeps that spark going.

Last fall I joined the Vocal Arts Ensemble as part of the Fairfax Choral Society. I’m an Alto 2. Our first concert was such a joyful experience for me. It felt amazing to be a part of a group of musicians producing such a wonderful sound after just two months. Singing is a form of therapy, and being part of that kind of community is so healthy. Then, for Christmas I got a full-size electronic keyboard to practice my music on in between rehearsals. I took piano lessons for 10 years as a kid, but I was never very good technically. I’m excited to pick it back up again. Music is not at its core about being technical. It’s about the heart and soul. That’s what our director, Michael Ehrlich, tells us. He was my high school choir director and came out of a brief retirement to work with this new adult community choir. It’s an honor to be a part of the group.

This year, I’m going to keep singing, keep plunking out notes on my piano that has the keys to the universe, keep going to my appointments, and “maybe it’s all gonna turn out all right. And I know that it’s not, but I have to believe that it is. I have to believe that it is.”